Florilegium – Vulnerability and Self-Reliance

Not long ago, in 2012, when I first had the courage to concrete a dream that I was having it as my own shadow, I had to write my personal statement of purpose. I have never write any statement of purpose, especially emphasizing my affinity to photography. I stroke out a few weeks before actually starting to write it. I didn’t knew from where to start and how to explain in words why I would see myself doing photography for the rest of my life. Then I started the introspection and I was ready to put few words on paper. I don’t remember how many times I re-write it. After 5th revision I stopped counting.

By doing this statement of purpose I realized some things about me. It was hard to actually write about myself. Explaining yourself was a hard step to achieve, but this eventually gave me more light into what I wanted to pursue after all. I wanted to write a story with characters that will gently highlight my competencies, but I failed to do so. Somehow, I was avoiding to write about myself. I wanted to write a truthful and impressive way my life was until then: success and failure equally. In one Saturday thought, I sat down at my computer and I started to write anything, just so I can know I started.

RanunculusB1

Above all this struggle that I felt during this mandatory assignment, I understood more about what photography means to me. But, above all this statement of purpose made me see what I don’t want to be in life. I was disapproving so much those people unable to be true to themselves, people lying to themselves so often so that they forgot who they really are. Mediocrity blended with lies made me search for authenticity. I was ready to create, to search deep for the true meaning of my artistic act, to fight, to go beyond any limits, just to be true to myself. I was not conceiving a fake artistic statement from myself. I didn’t wanted. This was my limit, authenticity or nothing. So, I understood I want this, and I wanted to be surrounded by people that believe in same principles, creative people whose struggle can inspire, can change. It was not a choice to still hang with non-assertive people whose character could be sold for a cup of coffee, disparately needing success, but to go into the search of the life I wanted. Tired of stolen caricature creation, where the message was just incertitude, chaos, insincerity, I took the leap.

I felt scared about the change. I felt things were going to change. I didn’t knew how and when. I was struggling with fears – if I’m able to do it, if it will happen, if I will do it, how can I do it better, how to improve, how to be able to express more. These fears were bouncing in all directions in my heart and were often destabilizing my horizon. Suddenly, I felt I lost my balance and I was blaming my too much brave self-esteem and despair of going beyond limits. I was not sure I could handle all the change I pictured it will be. Other times, I was happily ignoring everything, saying to myself it will never happen the way I wanted, the way I saw it. Soon to this feeling, I was going to re-memorize my whole life, and spot any effort done to change my life in better. And don’t get me wrong, I bet in a standard way of seeing things, that my life was positioned pretty well, but my head was whispering all the time to me, to go and search.

So then, you would find me again into the search of something that was meant to make me happy. But you see… few times, I guess, I took the wrong way. Then, after some years and some more struggle, I felt I found my balance, and then this craziness was coming back. It was like a curse. Then, in I don’t remember what day, simply it came to my mind, why not to do it? Why not going down the road and see what’s happening for me down there? Why not to try this break of limits? Maybe this change I was looking for – quite long already (or maybe it was too less time) -, was meant to happen. So, that was the moment I choose to enroll myself to a photography master in USA. Only the thought of not being accepted, or of being accepted, and not be able to handle, or even worst, of being accepted and not being able to go, was restarting somehow my torment. I guess, I was build that way, that any microscopic detail that touched the heart was confusing me to the point where I will go and analyze the issue until I will be satisfied with the solution. Maybe this is a way of resolving problems in life. Or maybe I wanted simply to know too much, for some still unknown reason to me.

Sometimes, I’m at work and I wish to tell you all this, so that maybe some of you out there could understand me better. Often, I wish not to live this struggle alone, and share it with you, but then my words simply disappear and the page looks blank to me. I was in some sort of blockage, where I was writing all these letters mentally, but not on paper. Some trigger however released and I woke up writing these lines. I still feel worried as I wish I could have more control of these things that are changing in my life, but I feel happy I had the courage of taking the leap.


*

Florilegium is dedicated to you – the restless soul, always in search of love, of believes, the poor soul killed with sadness or with too much joy; is dedicated unconditionally to the one, and only true believer in those dreams that you know they will some day reach the starts, and will be true to you. Florilegium will be a non-defined term project that will guide you closer to the truth of who you are, aiming ambitiously to forget about any limits and obstacles life will suddenly put in your path. These are my imagery persuasions.